Wow! I liked that. I write mostly poetry. And that had more in common with poetry than much fiction. So I am not sure how to critique it, as a poem? That's what my inclination says to do.. So I'll just start writing...
It starts out strong, because you tell us something that is a NOT. Which made me want to know what it was. So that drew me right in. However, the word "speckles" for some reason tripped me up. I stopped and reread that last phrase. I keep wanting "tiny specks of light". Even though "speckles" is a more interesting word. The next sentence is good. It appears in my mind visually and moves. Next sentence, about the stars... I want something more to make it come alive. But that contradicts the way the meaning reflects poetically what the character is thinking is saying. So I don't know. Did you try it out with more descriptive physical wording? Did it not reflect the statement of it? Okay, the last sentence brings us back to Earth.. Yes. The last sentence is fantastic! The ending does a shift that reveals who is apprehending this sight and responding, "he" is. More importantly, the shift in tone, in perspective in your story brings us back to Earth, to the mundane. We are in the closed physicality of the car. Returning home. Dreaming is a necessary, but it wouldn't fill us with wonder if we lived there. Cool story. That's my workshopping off the top of me 'ead.
Wait! What!? <smiles> This made me grin and think about the abruptness that can be so effective in free-form writing.
Wow! I liked that. I write mostly poetry. And that had more in common with poetry than much fiction. So I am not sure how to critique it, as a poem? That's what my inclination says to do.. So I'll just start writing...
It starts out strong, because you tell us something that is a NOT. Which made me want to know what it was. So that drew me right in. However, the word "speckles" for some reason tripped me up. I stopped and reread that last phrase. I keep wanting "tiny specks of light". Even though "speckles" is a more interesting word. The next sentence is good. It appears in my mind visually and moves. Next sentence, about the stars... I want something more to make it come alive. But that contradicts the way the meaning reflects poetically what the character is thinking is saying. So I don't know. Did you try it out with more descriptive physical wording? Did it not reflect the statement of it? Okay, the last sentence brings us back to Earth.. Yes. The last sentence is fantastic! The ending does a shift that reveals who is apprehending this sight and responding, "he" is. More importantly, the shift in tone, in perspective in your story brings us back to Earth, to the mundane. We are in the closed physicality of the car. Returning home. Dreaming is a necessary, but it wouldn't fill us with wonder if we lived there. Cool story. That's my workshopping off the top of me 'ead.
I liked it also! Like, I was transported!