Liked this a lot, Shaina. Looking forward to more.
Nothing much to say other than I get a strong feel for who Stimp is already. Some good little touches of character in here.
"The morning came into sharp focus, cutting his dark womb sleep like a scalpel." Excellent line.
"He puffed, held, and blew out smoke that hazed the world for a moment. Juniper slicked her tongue across beautiful, large teeth." Vivid and concise. Really good.
"“You do, bay-bee,” he said, exaggerating to let her know it was all in good fun. He wasn’t anybody’s baby." My only critique. I would have cut the "... to let her know it was all in good fun". I don't think you need to tell the reader. It's implied by the next line (you just need the "he said, exaggerating") :)
You don't have to be an expert to have a valid critique. I'm no expert either, but as a reader I like when writers can say a lot with a few well chosen words. You obviously have real talent, and the bravery to publish your work.I look forward to the next story in the series.
Vivid description, really brings the setting and Stimp's views on it alive. My fav bits: "This, like every other day, was a day of reckoning", which hints at something tremendous about to happen, and "the way a cat is, when she slaughters a family of mice and lines them up at your door", so very cat-like. Cats do that as a way of sharing with the family (like you would eat mice!) and are very offended if you throw them away.
I really liked your introductory note, too. I have pondered the same question.
Appreciate that critique very much! I think you’re right. A little too much tell and not show.
It's got legs and I'm going to see where it takes me...thanks.
Some wonderful imagery here. Looking forward to seeing where Stimp and Juniper's stories take them
Great setup for a story. I especially like the moral ambivalence it suggests. The characters feel very real.
That's a good start. Can't wait to read more about Stimp and Juniper with literally no idea where it'll go!
I liked it. It reminded me of people I would meet when I helped with feeding the homeless.
Thanks for reading!
You’re welcome! Thanks for writing it.
Liked this a lot, Shaina. Looking forward to more.
Nothing much to say other than I get a strong feel for who Stimp is already. Some good little touches of character in here.
"The morning came into sharp focus, cutting his dark womb sleep like a scalpel." Excellent line.
"He puffed, held, and blew out smoke that hazed the world for a moment. Juniper slicked her tongue across beautiful, large teeth." Vivid and concise. Really good.
"“You do, bay-bee,” he said, exaggerating to let her know it was all in good fun. He wasn’t anybody’s baby." My only critique. I would have cut the "... to let her know it was all in good fun". I don't think you need to tell the reader. It's implied by the next line (you just need the "he said, exaggerating") :)
Just my thoughts though. I'm no expert!
And now it's edited!
Gosh, haha. Only if you agree ;)
(I don't have editorial qualifications ...)
No, it’s good feedback :)
You don't have to be an expert to have a valid critique. I'm no expert either, but as a reader I like when writers can say a lot with a few well chosen words. You obviously have real talent, and the bravery to publish your work.I look forward to the next story in the series.
Thank you Steve! I’m glad you’re reading it.
Vivid description, really brings the setting and Stimp's views on it alive. My fav bits: "This, like every other day, was a day of reckoning", which hints at something tremendous about to happen, and "the way a cat is, when she slaughters a family of mice and lines them up at your door", so very cat-like. Cats do that as a way of sharing with the family (like you would eat mice!) and are very offended if you throw them away.
I really liked your introductory note, too. I have pondered the same question.