I believe writing is truly the best form of therapy after enduring the traumatic experiences you've endured. It is a tool for repairing what damage is able to be repaired and a tool for building a better life going forward. I'm happy you've undertaken this journey to reclaim yourself and I hope this new path you've chosen brings you true happiness.
I can relate to what you've been through. I grew up Catholic and had deep issues with guilt. Later, becoming Christian also led to more psychological trauma. I even went through a phase where I was a Scientologist. In the end, all religions are nothing more than a cult. We want human connection, and we all need to be okay with knowing that, in the end, no one knows what happens next, meaning after death. Thank you for sharing, and I'm sure you'll turn your past struggles into something extraordinary. You're already doing that.
I'm sorry to hear of the derailing, Shaina, but you do a wonderful thing by being honest and sharing your thoughts and process. As John says, I hope the journey of writing acts as a means to repair the damage done by the cult. I appreciate you being so open about it all.
What's that old saying? Something like "You can move to a new place, but you always take yourself with you" - but I like how you said it better - "You carry the shit with you" ... so true. Thanks for sharing your journey. That takes a lot of courage to put it out there. No judging here, we all walk our own path and I do love that you went from the church to writing horror - seems like a statement in itself right there. Keep writing and keep sharing!
Thank you for sharing this truly agonizing experience. It's amazing what writing and insight you have been able to produce in a domain that was banned for years of your life. Sometimes, I think it is best simply not to process the past trauma and move on. To "step over" it. I know people who spend decades in therapy reliving their worst events every week. It does not seem to be fruitful for them, though it is the prescribed method. I am a born again Christian, which makes your tale even sadder to me as I think of how it warped what should be a loving relationship with God. I hope that you have come to a comfortable position in your spirituality. It must be hard to even consider. I look forward to reading your next piece of fiction!
Thanks Belte. I am certainly still spiritual though I don’t put strict definitions on it these days. There’s so much baggage with some of the language. Thanks for being here and always being supportive.
Thanks so much for this post. I was raised in fundamentalist churches (southern Baptist). The journey away from all that was a long one; I was in my 30's before I made a conscious decision to turn my back on my old beliefs. Now closer to 50 than 40, I feel that I was never much of a believer. I was 6 when my mother told me that, if I didn't accept christ as my savior, I was hell bound. So naturally, that's what I did. Of course, faith cannot be compelled, (or faked) and the pastor would make that clear in most Sunday sermons, so for years I was locked in a struggle against my own mind. Only when I embraced atheism as an adult did I really begin to feel whole, but yeah, damage. Anyway, thanks again for your demonstration of courage. I look forward to reading your stories.
I’m sorry that we share parts of this story. Hell was my motivation for salvation as well. Which probably skews the whole message from the beginning. I’m happy you’ve found your way ❤️
Sounds like we are on a similar journey. I never went to IHOP but I use to listen to Mike’s teachings and I loved the music. I was listening to Baptize My Heart tonight. I noticed that so many leaders, friends and people I know story is the same. They are either traumatized by the movements or they are a leader in the movement and made into a God which usually ends in some kind of fraud, murder or sexual abuse. What really turned me off from the movement was the Trump election. It was how people in these movements responded to and worshipped him that opened my eyes to it. I has always felt like the odd man out when I was part of the movement. On one hand I loved worship and prayer and on the other hand I loved writing horror stories, reading horror stories and watching horror movies.
I got tired of having to live in duality. I can like horror but also like times of prayer, meditation, worship etc
But now I don’t know where or who I am. Because of all the toxic poison they put in my mind. So I find myself at a different kind of duality. It is hard to explain. I know you can never go wrong with love but sometimes I wonder if I even understand what love is. I know it when I feel it.
I hope this is making sense. All that to say, “Thank you for being brave and posting”.
Wow Kevin...what a small world. It’s not often my horror community and my old IHOP community intersect.
I know what you mean about being on the outside. I’ve never quite fit into those worlds. Was never a popular kid so to speak. I’m happy to be out of it but there’s sadness and regret that crops up at times. Like this week.
I hope you’re in a good place now. I don’t wish the internal turmoil on anyone
I spent my college years studying religious cults and specifically religion’s relationship to violence. Clifford Geertz, a cultural anthropologist, became a sort of guiding light to me in trying to understand such a complex and emotional topic.
He writes that humans--all of us, everywhere, in every culture and time--would believe everything we could... if only we could. That is, that we believe to capacity, believe in anything and everything we can up until the point where we just can’t buy it.
This can lead us into harmful places. When it does, I try to take solace in knowing that this is just the way we are, the way - literally - all of us are.
I also take heart in knowing that our capacity for belief can lead us to wonderful places as well. To places, for example, where we find ourself making sea-changes in our life and our relationships because we *truly believe* in expression and the power and value of genre writing.
Thank you for sharing this--it lands closer to home for so many of us than you might realize, and there is a great comfort in seeing others thrive in spite of life’s withering times.
I believe writing is truly the best form of therapy after enduring the traumatic experiences you've endured. It is a tool for repairing what damage is able to be repaired and a tool for building a better life going forward. I'm happy you've undertaken this journey to reclaim yourself and I hope this new path you've chosen brings you true happiness.
Thank you John for your kind words. Writing has been an instrument of freedom for me.
I can relate to what you've been through. I grew up Catholic and had deep issues with guilt. Later, becoming Christian also led to more psychological trauma. I even went through a phase where I was a Scientologist. In the end, all religions are nothing more than a cult. We want human connection, and we all need to be okay with knowing that, in the end, no one knows what happens next, meaning after death. Thank you for sharing, and I'm sure you'll turn your past struggles into something extraordinary. You're already doing that.
Total agreement from me in that front. No one can tell you for certain what comes next. Glad you’re here.
Thank you for sharing your story and some of your process. I hope you can someday find peace.
Thank you 🙏
I'm sorry to hear of the derailing, Shaina, but you do a wonderful thing by being honest and sharing your thoughts and process. As John says, I hope the journey of writing acts as a means to repair the damage done by the cult. I appreciate you being so open about it all.
Thank you Nathan ❤️
Don't know, but a traditionally published author - THE ESSEX SERPENT and MELMOTH with a strict religious background she's overcoming.
You and Sarah Perry seem to have a shared experience.
I don’t know Sarah Perry. Is she on Substack?
What's that old saying? Something like "You can move to a new place, but you always take yourself with you" - but I like how you said it better - "You carry the shit with you" ... so true. Thanks for sharing your journey. That takes a lot of courage to put it out there. No judging here, we all walk our own path and I do love that you went from the church to writing horror - seems like a statement in itself right there. Keep writing and keep sharing!
It’s a weird turn in my journey for sure. But it aligns with my interests and personality before the voices of that institution got in the way
Thank you for sharing this truly agonizing experience. It's amazing what writing and insight you have been able to produce in a domain that was banned for years of your life. Sometimes, I think it is best simply not to process the past trauma and move on. To "step over" it. I know people who spend decades in therapy reliving their worst events every week. It does not seem to be fruitful for them, though it is the prescribed method. I am a born again Christian, which makes your tale even sadder to me as I think of how it warped what should be a loving relationship with God. I hope that you have come to a comfortable position in your spirituality. It must be hard to even consider. I look forward to reading your next piece of fiction!
Thanks Belte. I am certainly still spiritual though I don’t put strict definitions on it these days. There’s so much baggage with some of the language. Thanks for being here and always being supportive.
Thanks so much for this post. I was raised in fundamentalist churches (southern Baptist). The journey away from all that was a long one; I was in my 30's before I made a conscious decision to turn my back on my old beliefs. Now closer to 50 than 40, I feel that I was never much of a believer. I was 6 when my mother told me that, if I didn't accept christ as my savior, I was hell bound. So naturally, that's what I did. Of course, faith cannot be compelled, (or faked) and the pastor would make that clear in most Sunday sermons, so for years I was locked in a struggle against my own mind. Only when I embraced atheism as an adult did I really begin to feel whole, but yeah, damage. Anyway, thanks again for your demonstration of courage. I look forward to reading your stories.
I’m sorry that we share parts of this story. Hell was my motivation for salvation as well. Which probably skews the whole message from the beginning. I’m happy you’ve found your way ❤️
Wow. This writing made me cry. What a journey you've been on and are still on.
❤️
I so appreciate your honesty and introspection. This post made me feel that I know you better, and it reinforced my eagerness to read what you write.
Thank you David ❤️
Sounds like we are on a similar journey. I never went to IHOP but I use to listen to Mike’s teachings and I loved the music. I was listening to Baptize My Heart tonight. I noticed that so many leaders, friends and people I know story is the same. They are either traumatized by the movements or they are a leader in the movement and made into a God which usually ends in some kind of fraud, murder or sexual abuse. What really turned me off from the movement was the Trump election. It was how people in these movements responded to and worshipped him that opened my eyes to it. I has always felt like the odd man out when I was part of the movement. On one hand I loved worship and prayer and on the other hand I loved writing horror stories, reading horror stories and watching horror movies.
I got tired of having to live in duality. I can like horror but also like times of prayer, meditation, worship etc
But now I don’t know where or who I am. Because of all the toxic poison they put in my mind. So I find myself at a different kind of duality. It is hard to explain. I know you can never go wrong with love but sometimes I wonder if I even understand what love is. I know it when I feel it.
I hope this is making sense. All that to say, “Thank you for being brave and posting”.
Wow Kevin...what a small world. It’s not often my horror community and my old IHOP community intersect.
I know what you mean about being on the outside. I’ve never quite fit into those worlds. Was never a popular kid so to speak. I’m happy to be out of it but there’s sadness and regret that crops up at times. Like this week.
I hope you’re in a good place now. I don’t wish the internal turmoil on anyone
I spent my college years studying religious cults and specifically religion’s relationship to violence. Clifford Geertz, a cultural anthropologist, became a sort of guiding light to me in trying to understand such a complex and emotional topic.
He writes that humans--all of us, everywhere, in every culture and time--would believe everything we could... if only we could. That is, that we believe to capacity, believe in anything and everything we can up until the point where we just can’t buy it.
This can lead us into harmful places. When it does, I try to take solace in knowing that this is just the way we are, the way - literally - all of us are.
I also take heart in knowing that our capacity for belief can lead us to wonderful places as well. To places, for example, where we find ourself making sea-changes in our life and our relationships because we *truly believe* in expression and the power and value of genre writing.
Thank you for sharing this--it lands closer to home for so many of us than you might realize, and there is a great comfort in seeing others thrive in spite of life’s withering times.
Thank you Shaina for sharing your story. It has been very meaningful for me to read. I was glad to see you post again.